I want to begin this letter with an apology. I know that you believe expressing one's regret and saying sorry is unnecessary and a waste of time for us. It's something I've become accustomed to, ever since our first lesson where I apologized for interrupting you, and you yourself said there wasn't any time in our busy schedule for formal apologies. Remember that? Anyway, I am apologizing for the fact that I did not appear at the Annex as you had asked. I am sorry for disobeying your rules, but I was afraid of what you would say if you realized that I planned to take baby Gabriel with me on my journey to Elsewhere. I was aware that when I didn't turn up at the Annex, you would worry; which is exactly why I am writing this letter. I just wanted you to know that I did leave the community, and have successfully reached Elsewhere. I didn't get caught and released, or backed down from this challenge. But, I'm sure you have already comprehended this, as I believe those of the community have already received my memories. They have, haven't they? Well, either way, I would like to ask you for a favor. I know that the community, my peers, and my loved ones believe I got lost in the river, as this is what we originally planned in the beginning. So I realize, that you wouldn't be able to tell anyone about this letter as I have allegedly died. But, I was wondering, if you could still deliver a message to my family. I was thinking that you could say that I wrote it before I died in the river. I know it would give the message that I died purposely, but, well I did! And as my family, I want them to know that. Plus, with new emotions, they should be able to understand my intentions and feelings. This is what I'd like to tell them:
Dear Mom, Dad, and Lily,
Before I permanently leave you behind, I would just like to say a few final words. I would like to explain the reasons behind my leaving. As you know, over the past few months, I've been training to be the new Receiver. During my ceremony, we all heard how I had been specially selected to be the next Receiver. It was explained how great the honor was, and how proud we should all be. However, unexplainable pain and suffering was also mentioned. I am not sure if you have really understood the memories or even received them yet, so what I say next might confuse you. But soon enough, you will understand, as I did. Anyway, when I first began training, I received wonderful and pleasant memories such as exciting sled rides down hills covered in thick, soft snow. Or a day out in the sunshine, surrounded by beautiful landscape of plants and flowers and wildlife. All filled with color. These memories made me want to have color and everything I'd seen in our own community. No more Sameness. But The Giver then explained that without Sameness in our community, it would cause us difficulty and disagreements, as there would be choice and people would have different opinions. I didn't see the harm in being able to have choice in what kind of clothing or toy you wanted. But I then realized that more significant choices to do with matters like marriage or jobs could really affect someone were they to make a wrong choice. So I refrained from the idea of an alter in our community. I was quite convinced that our society was perfect the way it was, but with all the good memories I'd been experiencing, I was still doubtful and skeptical. I often wondered if there was somewhere Elsewhere where life was still like the past. But my mind changed once I experienced true pain. I asked The Giver what they meant when they said I would experience unbelievable pain, since I had not undergone such suffering yet. So he gave me the memory of a sunburn. I was back in the sunshine, but stayed too long under the sun's penetrating rays, causing a sunburn. It wasn't unbearably painful, it just made me a little sore. I was rather confused as the previous description of the pain I'd undergo, did not match the pain I had felt through the sunburn at all. But in truth, I had underestimated the amount of pain I'd go through.
Although I felt reassured that the suffering I'd deal with wasn't so bad, I was still nervous. But I cast it aside, therefore not prepared for the suffering I had to face. I went through things such as Warfare and Starvation, understanding what these concepts were, and what true pain felt like. These memories were grim and depressing, and stayed implanted in my mind. From these painful experiences, I was certain that I was content with our community's ways. I was still unsure about our community's ways and still often thought about Elsewhere, but I didn't want to live in a world with such extreme pain either. However, certain experiences and newly obtained knowledge pushed me to leave our community forever. During a session with The Giver, he passed on to me his favorite memory-family and love. I was transported to a room where there were children with their parents and grandparents. Grandparents are the parents of the children's parents. Anyway, when I saw the genuine smiles on their faces and the close bonds between them, I wanted that with my family and my friends. I felt their feelings of, yes, love, and happiness; and enjoyed the warm, welcoming atmosphere. I wanted this feeling in our community. I wanted to love someone who actually loved me back. But I realized that my words and actions were meaningless in our society as I could never be with someone who felt the same way. Like when I asked you if you loved me. You laughed and reminded me of Precision of Language and how the word love is a generalized word almost so meaningless it's almost obsolete. At the time, I was thinking about how could you say love was meaningless? Because honestly, I had never felt anything more meaningful in my life.
But my point is, I've left because I wasn't content with the community. I was feeling emotions and experiencing things that nobody in our society would ever understand. After receiving such wonderful memories, the community became meaningless. Nobody would ever understand me, or my actions and feelings. A perfect example was when we were having an unexpected holiday, in which everyone took a break from work, training, and school to just relax and have fun. Remember that? Anyway, on that day, I went outside to meet and catch up with my friends. It was an exceptionally beautiful day, and everything seemed perfect. However, when I cam across Asher, Fiona, and everyone else, they were all playing a game of war. I immediately thought of the memory of warfare and once again saw the face of the young boy dying of thirst. His scratched face and bleeding body...I couldn't stand it. I firmly told my friends to stop. They were annoyed and confused. They were all saying how it was just a game and meant nothing. But they knew nothing of the past as I did. It was hard, but I felt that I couldn't be around them anymore. Though we all get along, it's very surfaced and our relationship is hollow. I may feel strong feelings of love and care, but they will never match these feelings of mine as they know nothing. I will never be with them in a meaningful way. Ever. I was isolated from my peers and felt so different and alone. I want to live in a community that is filled with meaning, color, and excitement. Where nothing is planned or controlled, giving each day a new adventure. I want to choose for myself, and have a say in my life. The community, over time, became blank and unimportant to me. With the memories I was receiving, the ones filled with happiness and contentment, I began to despise our society. I hated, and still hate the fact that we are all bound so tight by the many, many rules and regulations placed that everything is so predictable and pointless. I now realize with my new knowledge, that if you want the good memories of life, you must face the bad as well. And I am prepared, I feel, to face the challenges if I were to ever experience a life of my own. One with choice, individuality, difference, and memory. I just feel I do not belong in our community anymore. I feel that I belong somewhere else. But we all know I wouldn't make it... In any case, this is mainly the reason why I am leaving. I just don't fit in.
Just to tell you Giver, everything I just wrote to my family are not only dedicated to them. But to you as well. I know you know why I've left, but I just wanted to formally explain as well. I didn't really discuss it with you after all. And if you believe there is no possible way of delivering this message to my family without disrupting our plan, then you do not have to. But I shall thank you anyway. Not just for the message you may choose to pass on, but for everything you have taught me. It is because of you that I've seen life differently, and have decided to take charge in my life for once. Being a Receiver, I've learnt so much about times long ago, teaching me about reality, and the truth of our community and it's past. I finally see how imperfect and unrealistic our community is. I realize the truth behind all the rules and traditions, and how they are meaningless and only used to mask real life. Like about release...I see all the lies now, and have gained knowledge that I cherish and will use to the best of my ability. My eyes are open and I see everything for what it is. I am not as naive or manipulative. From all the memories I've received, I see what life really feels like, and how the past was beautiful and full of excitement. I've obtained strength and courage, and am now truly brave. I have you to thank for this. Thanks to your memories and help, I've gained the power and fearlessness to actually make my way to where I belong. I now have the knowledge and courage to find Elsewhere and finally be happy.
The journey was extremely difficult. Pedaling for more than more than 6 hours really takes it's toll on you! The weather was never really in a particular state making my journey any easier. Sometimes, it was extremely hot; the sun's piercing rays beating down on me. Other times, it was damp and cold; ground wet and slippery with rain water. It became more difficult for me as I began to run out of food and left the last of the roadside farms in which I'd depend on for food. Without the food I needed, I slowly ran out of energy. Plus, I had to be aware of the search parties flying in the air looking for me. Yes, this journey was most difficult indeed. However, with the help of your memories, Gabriel, and my determination, I made it! Gabriel really pushed me to keep going. You see, Gabriel was going to be released. After painfully finding out what that meant, I just couldn't bear to leave him behind. And since you were not coming along, I felt he would help me as he partially understands me as well. What I mean by that is, well, he can receive memories too. I haven't told you this because I was afraid you would get angry. But there is really no point in hiding it anymore, so I'll explain. One night, as I was trying to lull Gabriel back to sleep. As I was patting his back, I began to think back about the memory of the sailboat you gave me. I suddenly saw the memory getting dimmer, and the boat beginning to slow down. I realized I had given some of this memory to Gabriel. I brought him with me on this trip, as I've become very close to him and felt like it was my responsibility to care for him. We have a common tie and can relate to one another. He may be the only other one who comprehends me and my feelings. I originally wanted you to come along, but as you said, the community needs you right now. But bringing Gabriel turned out to be for the better as he urged me to go on. When we were going through the cold, swirling snow, I was freezing and felt like giving up. But as I felt Gabriel going limp and shivering against me, my concerns were no longer considering me, but Gabriel. I wanted to make it for his sake. I wanted him to survive. And so I pushed myself to make it. I used the memories to help us a little to get through the cold. Using the memory of sunshine, I warmed Gabriel and myself. It really made a difference as the memory was pleasant and gave me a sense that everything would be okay. And when we reached the top of the snowy hill, I proved myself right.
There, simply sitting at the top, was a sled. I remembered this scene from the very first memory you gave me. I quickly got on the sled, holding Gabriel close, and began down the hill. The snow was soft and thick, controlling the runners. Speeding down, hope filled me as I heard the faint sound of music and laughter. Looking out, I saw twinkling green, red, and yellow lights perched on roof tops. I thought I was just hallucinating; I mean, after all, I had been starving and worn out. But as we got farther down, the homes became clearer and I saw the familiar figures of people. I write to you know from the home of my new family, happily informing you of the success of this plan. I am finally in a place where I belong, surrounded by people who really love me. My new mother and father, had not had children yet, as something had prevented them from having their own. When we arrived in their town, they had gladly taken us in. They have apparently, always wanted children. We were greeted with new clothing, a bath, and a hot mug of hot chocolate. Which I must say is absolutely delicious! Gabriel and I are being taken well cared for. I have gotten my childhood back, and have new friends and go to school again. Gabriel is still too young of course, but is growing successfully. But Giver, though I am happy here, I still miss you greatly, and think about you often. I wish you could have some with me here-you would have loved it! Free of control and full of life and happiness. I wouldn't be here without you though. I am forever grateful, and hope you are once again reunited with you daughter. You deserve happiness after all you have done for the community. I did and still truly do feel as if we were related-grandfather and grandson. Seeing those children with their grandparents just made me want some of my own. I knew it was never possible to have genetically related ones, but then I thought of you. Our relationship is close, if not, exactly, like the one I saw between the family. We look at one another for support and love each other. Throughout the course of my training, you were the one I could look to for guidance and support during the most difficult of times. You were literally the only one who could understand what I was going through. And I thank you for always being there for me. I must go now as it is getting late and I must prepare for school. Hopefully when you receive this letter, you may write back. But even if you don't at least I know, that you know, I love you. I always will no matter what.
Jonas
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